Good morning everyone,

I wanted to share with you guys my story with depression. It helps me to explain to people how I've got into this situation. So if you don't mind I'm going to tell you how I've placed myself in my own Personal Hell.
I feel like I’m the fool… I’ve always felt like there was a black cloud hanging over my head since I can remember. I’ve always been the type to seem to be happy. I was always joking around and laughing with people. I thought I was the Joker, but in reality I feel I was the fool.
My junior year in college. I had found myself stuck. All these feeling of sadness, dread, and inadequacies had finally brought me down. I went to seek treatment and besides a few months of struggle I was able to find myself. I became I stronger person, and met the love of my life. It was from this I was about to make better grades and get a job right out of college.
Time had passed, and I held strong against many things that were happening around me. For the five years I was with my fiancé I had many struggles because of her bipolar disorder. I was able to stand by her during the worst of times, and believe me there were times I wanted to give up and leave her. In time in many ways she did get better. During this time I was doing very well at managing our GIS (Geographic Information Systems) at my workplace. I would always get good 1 year reviews from my supervisor, and I had no problems.

That was until early last year. I started to notice my anxiety was going up again. Fearing what I had experienced years before. I decided it would be in my best interest to see the doctor, and get on some medication again. It would be soon after proposing to my ex that we got into an argument, and we mutually decided to end the relationship. By this time I started to struggle at work. I did not feel valued and most of my opinions where written off. I felt like they simple did not care about my position, and I felt more like the reason I was there was so that I had someone to blame (Before I had started we had many years of bad mapping). I found myself at odds with my supervisor about many things. It took the longest time for anything to get done because I was never able to get him to make a decision.

At this point in time, work was my life. The constant struggle with my supervisor, and seeing projects that should have been done quicker finally got me to a place where I was starting to get depressed. I started to feel worthless. I was even passed up on a promotion because of small town politics (The position was given to someone who had connection and had less experience). By this time my depression started to deepen, but my ex and I got back together.
Even getting back with my ex did not change my downfall. The medication I was taking had to start being changed. I started not showing up for work because I would cry every day. Eventually I was forced to resign from my position (Note: They did know that I was depressed, and see a Doctor at the time). This made my depression much worse. For days I would not get out of bed. Nothing seemed to be helping me, and I felt totally lost at what to do. Two months after losing my job my ex became my ex again. This felt like the biggest betrayal of my life. I had supported her through the worst times of her life when we were together, and she gave up on me after only a month and a half.

Now it has been close to year since I started to feel like I was slipping. I live at home with my mom, and my father and other sibling don’t want to support me anymore. If I had insurance I would have gone to the hospital by now, but I don’t which leaves me with only one option of hospital. Which has a very bad reputation, and is known to be worse for you than good for you.
So here I am… Someone who used to be strong, but has been humbled again. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to progress forward when I feel like my depression is trying to kill me every day. I’ve also found it hard to find jobs when you were forced to resign and are depressed. Where should I go from here? How can I be strong again knowing that I can easily lose it?