Yes, many times...I even sent her an email (incidentally after consult #2) telling her that I am scared of losing her and feeling like I failed at this relationship too and I don't want to see someone else. And after three consults, I really DON'T want to see someone else. I really don't want to lose her. And I'm actually surprised that I'm feeling so strongly about this...I guess somehow I got very attached to her after all, even though for months I've been trying to trick myself into thinking I wasn't. But I think now she will take this as a sign that I want to leave, even just part of me...and really I don't right now. Maybe sometime, but not right now. I'm not ready.

And I guess what's really bothering me is that right now I feel super defensive about it, because I feel embarrassed, so now I feel just like brushing it off tomorrow and saying it's no big deal, even though right now I'm feeling really panicked and ashamed and just awful...but I don't know how to turn off that defence mechanism and just say that to her. I feel like instead tomorrow I'm just going to detach from it and be like, "Yeah, whatever." And it's just after I sent her that email saying how much I appreciated her and wanted to keep working with her, so the timing couldn't be worse. I should NOT have EVER called that helpline after finding out she worked there...but she said she only does shifts there one day a week and I thought she was at a workshop today...

Oh wow... yeah that would be a pretty terrible awful moment to realize that you're talking to your regular T, and oops, you've just told her that you're T shopping!

I definitely think you should talk to her, or write to her, about your fears. Let her know that you do not want to leave, but that you're still scared that she's going to terminate you. This is a really normal fear for some of us - I had lots and lots and lots of talks with my current T about it, because I've got a history of bad terminations with not-great Ts.

If your T has any T-skills at all, she'll get it, and hopefully she can help you understand where it's coming from and maybe feel a bit more secure...

Good luck! And... you know... it's actually good that your session is coming up so soon! Much better to get the talk over with, rather than spending a whole week being nervous about it