I think you are depressed. Maybe you have a part that is depressed and that part is partially in control. That means you have some consciousnesses with that part and that is good. All the feelings the tears the thinking of dieing as though that will end the pain, are signs of depression. A week or so back I was depressed but didn't know it because I have trouble identifying my emotions. Someone on this site told me it was depression that I was experiencing. Just knowing that gave me relief. I thought I was going insane but I was only feeling depression. Maybe that is what is happening with you. Maybe if you ask your system who is feeling depressed and tell them this feeling will pass. Maybe the part will start to feel better. I did exactly that and it helped. We didn't feel like things were out of control. It took a day or two but we got back to functioning with out thoughts of suicide or feeling suffocated. Talk to your system. They are there to help you. That is why we created them. Also I think it is important that you talk to your t or a close friend about how you are feeling. You will feel better and you will be asking yourself how come you were having such thoughts. Everyone goes through this DID or not. Feel better.