I'm a 48 year old woman who is 5'3" and weighs 230. It's all med weight. Before i went on serious meds when i was 30 i was thin and fit and trim and sexy. I went on four diets last year. I wound up fatter.

I can't tolerate my life. I would turn to drink but i have a dog to take care of and be sober for. Likewise drugs.

My life is empty. I don't work. I have no friends or family. They don't want to know me. I can't make friends. I don't like socializing. I've tried volunteering many times and something always goes wrong. Therapy makes things quite a bit worse. I am too weak to exercise. I've tried clubs and classes. There's just nothing left to try. In despair today i went down to a drop-in i attended years ago and it's all bums now.

I play online Scrabble, take care of my dog, watch TV and go to a halfway-decent drop-in Monday to Thursday afternoons. Sometimes it makes me feels worse with all the shabby people there. Sometimes someone is so slovenly they stink. This is my life.

I can't seem to stop eating. I know i am gaining weight. My clothes are starting to feel like sausage wrap. I have to shop in the plus size section and there is hardly anything there.

I'm beginning to think it's inevitable that i will get really, really fat. None of the things women my age turn to for solace appeal to me. I live in a condo building and some women turn to busybodying. Some women take up romance with yucky men. Some woman turn to being a 'painter' or other type of 'artiste.'

It's getting hard to move. I had to wrestle myself out of the cab i took home. I take the elevator even one floor. I'm always gasping for breath and people ask me what's wrong. Some rude women ask me if i am pregnant! How insulting!

I like my meds where they are. I got thru the Winter without a suicide attempt and it looks like i'll get thru Spring without mania.

I don't know. Is getting really, really fat THAT bad? I'm not a drunk or a junkie, i'm not promiscuous, i'm relatively good with money, i'm organized and responsible, i'm kind and well intentioned... What does it matter if i'm fat?

Romance makes me crazy so being too fat to attract a partner is not an issue. It's better for my health if i stay single. It's been two years since my last romantic fiasco which ended in me being rejected and shaving my head.

I spend all my money on food. I eat out at least once every day. It's an expensive habit, but again, not as expensive as heroin. I don't have to use a cane, or a walker, or a wheelchair or a scooter. My knees are fine.

My only hope is that i will be a senior in seven years and i will be able to attend seniors' centers. We have a terrific one downtown, with activities all the live-long day.

I don't really want to get super fat, but that's where i'm headed. Can anyone think of how i could avoid this sad fate?