I believe I may be depressed.

I just think back on my life and wonder what the f happened. In high school I was upbeat, optimistic, excited about my future, ready to take on the world, completely convinced I would make it as a writer, have a successful career, get books published, etc.

Reality: It's a competitive market out there. Nearly impossible. Rejection all the time. It's really quite depressing. I'm trying to have a successful writing career, but it's not working, so now I just feel like a loser who works at an unfortunate job, with unfortunate pay, and that I'm going to be poor and destitute for the rest of my life (and yes that is somewhat exaggerated). I just feel like I work and work and WORK and nothing good ever happens! I could use some sort of break here! I barely have time to write, just work at my unfortunate job all the time, take care of a toddler. I'm always exhausted.

I've become impulsive, like today I took 60mg of propranolol at once, when I'm only supposed to take 30mg a day, spread out during the day. That somewhat concerns me.

And why am I just getting worse as I get older? I feel like a crazy lady.

I don't want to take my seroquel because I don't want to get fat and become diabetic, but it really helps with my mood.

But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?

I'm stressed and anxious EVERY DAY. Every day! And for no particular reason. I don't even have anxiety thoughts. I just FEEL anxious. I hate it.

Sorry for the novel and the rant.

I bawled three times today (I know. BOO HOO).

Wondering if anyone can relate?