"But then I wonder what would my natural mood be right now? I hate all these meds. What would I be like if I wasn't on them? Would I really be worse? Or would I be better?"

I wonder this all of the time. Like when I get breakthrough manic symptoms I wonder, would I be totally manic and psychotic if I weren't on meds right now. And when I'm depressed I wonder if the meds are just weighing me down and dulling my emotions to the point where I'm dead inside. Or sometimes I wonder if I would be pleasantly hypomanic if I weren't on meds.