Sorry you feel so hopeless, many of us have, and some relapse, but there can be hope. You just described how you are down on yourself, when a thought comes would it help to write down the evidence (real, not opinion) for and against that thought and what other (more helpful) view(s) the evidence points towards. I find this exercise can lift the load a little sometimes and is often worth it. No magic I'm afraid, but possible glimmer of hope. ('I fall down and get up again')