I'm unhappy with my psychiatrist. I found out in an off-handed, indirect way on Monday that he is going to be gone for two months and when he comes back will only be at the office that is far away from me. He doesn't seem to understand the magnitude of that for me. I feel like he is abandoning me. I notice that I'm usually a little anxious when I go to see him though I calm down once I'm there. I've been getting less anxious over time. It's because I'm afraid he will stop seeing me or I'll chase him away and here he is, after reassuring me many times, abandoning me. It's very hard - it opens old repeated wounds. It seems as if anyone I connect to leaves me. I try to keep up the connection, but they don't respond and it dies. His decision is especially painful because he is a man and I haven't had any experiences of men sticking around in my life. I really connected with him and was gaining some stability and security in the relationship even if I still couldn't believe it yet. I'm torn because I really like him and want him to succeed, but I think I still need him and I don't want to lose him.

The other issue is starting over again with someone else. The first visit is always diagnostic and I don't want to do that again and have to catch someone else up. No telling if I'll even like or connect with them. (He says it's a woman and having a man has really helped my therapy so I don't know that this would be good.) Plus I only have so many mental health visits a year and I had one more allocated for psychiatry. If I have to see someone new, I'd likely have to see them more than once to get things going. I really hate the prospect! I've said I won't go - that I refuse to see her. She might change everything.

I'm finding myself feeling manipulative toward him - like planning to make him feel bad, guilty about it and maybe get special arrangements. I'm reminding myself of all his bad points, but it doesn't help much. Maybe he'll work Saturdays in the other office. Then I could make the trek there. My next appointment with him is in just over 2 weeks. I cried all night Monday and Tuesday morning and on and off since then whenever it comes to mind. I'm afraid I'm going to be having crying spells the whole time and I'm afraid I'll break down in his office too.