My life took a turn for the absolute worse when I was 18years old. I had experienced trauma all my childhood. Then something extremely traumatic happpened at 18.
Before this time, I was bipolar, but I was unaware of anything else. For instance, I was care free almost. I didn't have anxiety. I didn't care what people thought, I was just myself. I had ambition, goals, and dreams like you.
After the trauma at 18 everything changed. I became extremely aware of everything. My bipolar got worse. I was and still am always on the look out for anything and everything. My depression brought me a first class ticket straight to hell and never misses a flight to bring me to back.

Nothing is the same. The farther I get away from the trauma in years, the worse I become inside. It brought forth everything clear as day. I lost a massive part of myself that I can't find. I believe it's just dead and I'll never get it back.

I can relate with getting older and things getting worse. That's my life. The problem I have is I still interact and speak to the two that caused the trauma at 18. I have too because they were people I trusted and loved the most. I still love them.

Everything inside me is fighting this and I lose the battle everytime. I still get nightmares of the incident. I had one last night. I'm forced to relive it anytime my brain wants me to. The trauma is my biggest secret. I don't speak of it. I can't. I protect them by not talking about it. They destroyed me but I still protect them.

I know this post isn't about me. But I just want you to know that I truly do relate. To the anxious feelings, the depression, the loss of hope and goals. I have experienced all of this on a great scale.

I am truly sorry you feel this way. I can only say don't give up hope. it's all we have. Its the one thing that keeps us going. Things may not get better at the moment, but in the future maybe we can look back and see things aren't as we perceived them to be.

(((hugs))))