I’m about to go on a long, emotional, unkind rant here, so please understand . I would like to have responses to this, but please don’t feel offended by what I say. Since I’m generalizing a lot of people here, that means I’m also stereotyping many of the people reading this. I just really would like clear or understandable answers or plausible explanations for this behavior, and I don’t mean to put anyone down. It’s just that my irrational thinking is bringing me down, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in real life. I may be wrong about all this, too. What I’m seeing seems to be so different from my own beliefs that I find it hard to believe.

I guess I’ll start at the effects of what I’m thinking. I should let you know I’m a woman. When I go out, men mostly act overly nice to me, or ignore me entirely. Men who I continually act “cold” around become hostile over time more often than I would like. Overall, guys seem to often treat me the same, no matter who they are around. For the most part, I don’t run into a whole lot of problems with that half of humanity.

An inordinate amount of women, on the other hand… Why?? I really hope this is all in my head, but it’s so hard to disagree with my instincts and knowledge of interactions. Women often rebuff me entirely. Some women act very sweet but don’t let me interact with them socially, and sometimes seem upset at first to see me. Sometimes when some women are with their friends, they even flat-out ignore me. Some women who have been previously social with me will ignore me entirely if they’re with their friends. Also, women more often than not take a sly look at my whole self and put on a blank face and avoid me. They even seem angry at me sometimes. It makes me think I might look dangerous or creepy to these women. However, they will, 60% of the time, whip their hair if I continue to stay near them. I read their expressions and the way they do this as haughtiness. I wonder… is it the way I dress? When I grew past my teenage stage, I became less interested both in the opposite sex and my appearance. Dressing pretty at the time was a way to look more attractive. I dress drably now, because I don’t think appearance is that important. However, I know women who always dress attractively who I have respect for, and they treat me kindly… I think. I like pretty clothes too, and might wear them if I found some I liked enough. Is it the way I hold myself? Why would women treat me badly for that? I keep myself clean, so I don’t think I stink or something. I think I feel the “social exclusion” quite often said to be a bullying tactic by women, and I just keep telling myself it’s all in my head. Why would they make quick excuses and run off when people they know approach them in my presence? Plus, I often hear women talk about appearances. They talk about clothing, make-up, hair… Plus, the way they dress. How can I not think that’s important to them?

Also, I have a lot of examples of women hating me for strange, made-up reasons they came up with. I’ll list some here. One women thought I was a “wh***” and thought I came from a beauty-minded family. I had no idea how she got that idea. I felt brokenhearted that she felt that way after interacting with me, especially since I had never spoken with her about beauty things or guys. That gave her excuse to tell all her friends what an awful person I was. I once didn’t become the friend of a girl who asked me to, and thank goodness, because she began making fun of me to her friends. A woman found out my major and began nervously mentioning to her friends why she didn’t go into a similar major and began avoiding me. A woman tried to insult me in a quick comment she hoped I didn’t, or maybe did, hear. A girl in class who I never met mentioned my name in a rather bland insult and laughed. She didn’t even sit near me. Another girl called me B**** when someone she was with mentioned me in a non-aggressive way. Why? Because I act quiet, so that must mean I’m terrible? I almost always have a female (always female…) “enemy” every year. It’s usually a girl who I might have met once or twice who says bad things about me to the people to the people I have to deal with. I sometimes get the impression that they didn’t like how I didn’t immediately jump at the chance of befriending someone so superior or socially superior to me. I always thought all people were equal, at least in a sense of the worth of a life. And I have no idea what goes on when I’m not there to hear what they say, but I never care that long.

I don’t mind being appearance minded… I feel enthralled when I see a friend looking absolutely beautiful on some days, and I like pretty paintings or pictures of women, but to me, that’s the extent of it. I see no reason or worth of appearance beyond that… so I can’t see it as a judge of character, unless it shows the person is homeless, which doesn’t make me like them less. People say dressing in a certain style shows off your personality, but I still find it not very accurate in judging someone. Maybe I’m not judging right? I also wonder sometimes that maybe these women find their only worth in men and how worthwhile they are to men, which they think equates to attractiveness, because of media today and self-esteem issues. It all upsets me, though. Is human kindness and acceptance less important than social superiority, or rather, even based on it? If a mother’s group of friends say her baby is ugly, would she begin to dislike her baby, perhaps subconsciously because society would deem her as a bad mother to obviously state it to herself? Are people nice only because it’s socially acceptable by the socially superior or equal members of his or her “group” or society? For example, only doing nice things because others are watching? Take those people away and they would do whatever they wanted with no guilt? I know that isn’t true for me, so I know it can’t be for everyone.

Hmm… Are these certain women upset that I’m not trying to befriend them? I’m not sociable usually, although I try to be polite. Or are they so focused on bringing others down while putting up an “innocent” façade? Am I the only one who experiences this? Do all women experience this but don’t admit it because they don’t want to admit they do it too, except for the women blissfully unaware of this? Do men notice this? What’s up with all this? Is it my town? The random people I run into? Or just a large percentage of the population that I shouldn’t, or should, take seriously? Is it entirely my thinking of dark thoughts? Should I change the way I dress? How I act? How I’m writing here is not how I talk in real life. I talk quietly and try to be polite, sometimes overdoing it. I don’t want to be treated like this. I don’t gossip or say bad things about others, but I know that I can’t expect everyone to do the same because it’s their right, though, so I understand that. Maybe increasing my understanding can strengthen me.

I hope I’m wrong about this.