Sorry to hear you have been introduced to pornography at the early age of 10. It is difficult for a child to process the whole idea of sexuality and certainly not the highly sexual nature of pornography.

Pornography is based on a limited concept of what a man is and what a woman is. It is about sex, but that is only a small part of what it means to be a human being. For instance music is a big expression that sounds wonderful. Sad that your lifestyle has you only playing once a year.

Have you considered a therapist that specializes in addiction or sex addiction?

It is not an embarrassing thing to have a problem that needs to be addressed. It seems to be affecting your life and how you live it. Seeking professional help seems a likely choice to me.