Hello, my name's Kelli, I'm 24. And I might have some issues.
I have only one friend, we've known for a decade. I love her. I think. But I don't want to see her or talk to her. I'm never the one who call to take news or ask to go out. In fact I pray she doesn't, so I don't have to force myself to act normal. What the hell is normal? When I never been normal.. I hate the way I feel around her. I ask question, I don't care the answer. It feels such a waste of my precious time.
Because yes, my time is precious. I always hurry to do stuff I have to do, like cleaning, cooking, grocery, getting back from work. I don't want to waste time. I want to get up early and go to sleep late. I should have a good reason, like I'm a busy girl, but I'm not. You probably wonder what I do with all this spare times, get ready... Nothing. Okay, that's not quit right, I do some thing, like talk to myself, or my cat. And read, which is the only thing I like to do. And I read a lot, since I have a lot of free time.
Let's go back to my friend problem. I never been a social girl, not because I'm shy or anything, I'm not interested. I don't feel the need to have friends, I'm good on my own. I have my 'down moment' when I wish I had more friend, when I wish I was normal, sometimes I wonder what it feels like to care about others, to have passion, dreams, goals in life. Those never last real long, usually I'm hollow, dead inside... It's hard to explain in words. Even harder to explain it to 'normal people', they just don't get it. They think I'm depressed, but I'm not. I'm not sad, I'm not on the edge of suicide, I do think about it, but only because I don't see the point in living a life like mine. I wake up every morning, I go to work in a job I don't really like, but I keep it because no matter where I'll be I won't like it, and in this one I have a lot of freedom, I work alone which is perfect, then I get back home to do nothing. Except when I have my daughter.
Here is my real problem, my daughter. Five years ago, I met this guy who was just perfect for me. He had everything I ever wanted, a big loving family (Mine is complicated and messed up), a lot of friend, a lot of life goals, and good values. And for some reason he loved me enough to start a family with me. Did I loved him? Yes, in my own way. We still love each other, even if we are not together anymore, it's been a year since I left. In the beginning, I believe I could change who I was, and become normal, do what others do. But it did work out. I try my best to enjoy the time spent with his family and friend, or with him and my daughter, I was a good actress, but as time goes by I decide I didn't want to force myself anymore, I felt like a prisoner, a fool. I wanted to break free, be who I am.
Since I'm on my own, things get so much worst, I'm colder. I don't mind when I'm alone but half of the time I'm not. I'm with her. And it's so unfair, she deserve the best, someone who care and love her, someone who wants to play and do activities. I'm not this someone. I'm cold and disconnect, almost all the time. I don't feel link to her. I don't want to spent time with her. I never miss her, like I never miss anyone. If they are not in front of me, they are just facts in the back of my mind. Like all my memories, it's like they belong to someone else, I'm aware they are mines, but I don't feel connect to it. I hate it. I want to be a good mom, but it's hard. I'm grateful she have an amazing dad who takes good care of her. I want to get better for her, it's seems impossible. That's why I never seen any psy, how could they possibly help me? I can't change, I'm who I am. The only thing that helps me a bit is drug, speed. It help clear my head, it silent all my toughts, keeps me ground, focus on reality. It gives me motivation, energy. That's the positive effects, they are some bads too, like the cold, the dry mouth, the weight loss. When I start about an year ago I was more social, I wanted to meet people, do things. Somehow, this effect fade, or I'm just getting deeper into my disorder? I try to stop from time to time, don't last long.
I'm scare to get worst, you know, to the point of no return... I'm scare to be crazier than I think. There is so much going on in my head. Or maybe, I'm just freaking out for nothing, maybe I'm okay, and nothing's wrong with me. That's how I feel in general. Not tonight obviously.
Why do I write all this? Thats a good question. I guess I just want to share a piece of me. Talk to someone else than myself.