Well I saw my pdoc yesterday, and amazingly.... the session went well. I didn't want to scratch his eyes out. We agreed to bump up the Trileptal to where it was before and screw any additional meds for now. I will see him again next month to let him know how I'm doing.

I saw T for a half session after that. I told him how his availability was hard for me to manage. I told him how when he left me that voicemail telling me that my pdoc called in my prescription to the pharmacy, his message made me so mad, that I punched my steering wheel multiple times (very mature, indeed). I started getting mad at him right there and then. He asked me what I wanted him to in the message. I said, "Oh that's nice. Make me say it... make me humiliate myself right in front of you." Eventually I told him that I wanted him to say something comforting in the message, just like he did when we spoke to each other earlier that day. Then I said I was just being foolish, that I need to stop having this idealistic view of what he should do.... so then he tells me... why wouldn't you be right about that? i wasn't showing you any empathy on that message. maybe i was wrong there.

i hate him.

i love him.

i realized that if i am doing something else while talking, then my unconscious can flow a lot better... much more free association can take place in which there is a lot less censorship. so i asked him if when i come in this saturday (another saturday session), if he would be opposed to me bringing my sketchbook, and just sketching or doodling while i talk. he said of course he wouldn't be opposed; we will just have to see how it works out.