Hi im from Japan and live there, so my english might be pretty bad but i felt the need to relate to someone about this disturbing feeling I get over a certain person. Ill call that certain person B.
Well today i went to get some ramen with my ex (which already is a tough situation for me) and she told me about a gig-party thing she went to last night where she saw "B" acting completely insane, dancing, gathering crowds and being the idol, gaining attention.
When she said that, it hurt me pretty bad. It felt as if im not worth that kind of attention anymore because I am depressed and cant do a pretty dance or give an entertaining talk session.
Whats worse is that I (think) know how it feels to be "The insane guy" who gets the "ohh ahh " attention. B kind of reminds me of when I was hypomanic.
I keep telling myself B is a good guy, but I get this emotion similar to fear when I am around him or hear someone talking about him.
It is really sick to have these thoughts around my head and I feel guilty for not being able to think stuff like, B is B and I am different.
I know its disgusting. I just cant get the Hypomanic equals better performance equation out of my head. I can live with not caring about having that equation. I know its completely normal to have that because it is kind of true, but when I see/hear it in real life, it just sets my mood down.