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Apr 27, 2015, 11:39 AM
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Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 472
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JessLynn
I'm almost 8 months into recovery from anorexia and fully weight restored but I've been fighting off thoughts of relapse for quite a while. I've had several lapses, only about a week long each, where I fell back into my anorexic intakes rather than following recovery guides. I always managed to bring myself out of them, but right now I don't think I can. I can feel myself slipping into another one. All the fear is back. The behaviours are back. I am scared but I don't know if I can keep fighting it. It just wants me to give in again.
I'm trying to find the point in recovery again and the thing is that I have goals that I can't achieve with an active eating disorder, but I'm still getting pulled down by restriction again. I don't know how to live with myself without it, even though that must sound horribly distorted. I know it does. I hate sounding and feeling like this.
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Congratulations for your 8 months of recovery. That takes a lot of hard work and effort. I totally get where you're at. I'm in the middle of a big relapse for the past 9 months after about 2 years of recovery following 16 years of an eating disorder with 6 or 7 6-12 months or so stretches of recovery mixed in here and there. I'm terrified of who I am or what I am without my disorder and I think that's partially why I'm holding onto to this relapse so hard.
What I've learned over the years (and am learning again, as I get ready to enter inpatient treatment for the 7th time), is that recovery isn't a linear path. It's got bumps and dips and valleys and highs and lows. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. The important thing is that you keep on getting back up, every time you fall, you keep on getting back up. Confucius said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall".
So you have a couple choices to make. You can stay lying down and give in or you can get back up, make the good, healthy choices you've learned to make in your recovery months and achieve your goals.
I've lost a lot because of this stupid need for control over my weight and the last thing I'd ever want is for anyone else to lose their dreams over an eating disorder.
You can do this, you can overcome this. You've done it before, you can do it again.
F
eel free to PM me anytime for anything. I'd love to help if I can in any way.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
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