Hello! I'm new here, and also new to dissociation.
I'm 16 years old, and currently studying for my A-Levels. I had my first ever CAMHS appointment the other day. I told the psychiatrist almost everything that has been going on recently. This mainly includes (though I can't remember exactly):

• Hallucinations. They have been happening over the past two years from shadowy cats and figures (eg I once saw a man in period costume dancing in my kitchen), to more sinister things recently (such as a skeletal figure flashing in my mobile when I locked it where my reflection should have been, and a shadowy mass with an arm and a knife coming out of it on another occassion) to much more realistic things such as seeing locked doors opening and seeing real materialised people only for them to vanish.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• How the anxiety tends to arrive in a change of scenery or timetable, and when I'm alone outside of school without anyone for protection.
• Auditory hallucinations. This is becoming especially prominent recently. It used to be more external, like somebody whispering in my ear, and also animals, as in growls and the like, but now it is more internal, like dialogue in my head that is kind of like when you think someting, but it's not my thought, it is unpredictable and I can sometimes converse with the voice. Recently it tends to be a demonic voice that I tend to associate with the skeletal figure. I used to feel like I was being followed by this skeleton (I've also had nightmares) , but those feelings have been reduced. This voice demands things that I don't want to mention.
  
  
• My current obsession with a character from the BlazBlue series, Hazama/Yuuki Terumi, and how he is an odd character for me to feel some kind of 'connection' to because he is the complete opposite to how people usually see me. I for some reason started almost copying him, his confidence etc., especially when anxious. I almost check what he is saying against myself- it feels like Hazama is a part of me inside that doesn't get to come out often. It's difficult to explain.
• Delusions- this is a new one for me and I'm finding it really scary, especially with how vulnerable I am. For example, thinking that somebody hasn't showed up and has had something bad happen to them because I didn't do something/because I said something/said too much. Also things such as thinking that my tonsillitis spray is poisoned, and that Hazama will be erased from the game if I go on BlazBlue. It's almost like a random thought that occurs for no reason with no evidence.
• I always excessively daydream and space out.
• I have multiple thoughts at once, like I could be thinking about one thing, and then suddenly there's another thought/several at one time. It also gives me a kind of 'pressured headache' feeling in my head.
• I don't really feel like 'me' anymore. It is very scary to me, and I don't really know where the 'me' from before is and I feel that I lost her probably around year 10. But then, relating to the thoughts thing, when I'm thinking about that, there's some other thought that says ''well, I think the you now is more 'you'''. And then those two conflicting thoughts often start arguing about it in a way, and I feel like piggy in the middle. I'm always really indecisive about everything, even when it comes to relationships (which I have great difficulting maintaining, especially if I'm not seeing someone often, I tend to get absorbed in my 'own world') because it feels like I have parts that are so divided and conflicted in what they want.
• Literally, it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of thoughts and I don't know which are mine and which aren't. It's very confusing to me and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm always second guessing myself, and my mind just feels like sludge because there's so much going on that I don't even know where I stand at this point. I just feel like I'm in my own reality, I feel detached to the world and everyone else in a sense.
• I can't ever seem to sit still. One of the worst problems with this is the fact that I rock backwards and forwards- at home I do it on my chair almost continually and it's dented the floor. I do it at school now and I've been getting comments about it from others.
  
• Sometimes I'm so detached from what I'm doing/what others are doing that I'm so absorbed and I don't even realise that people are talking to me.
• With the Hazama thing, it's very confusing to me. I feel like he's a part of me, but not a part of me, or whatever I am at this point. I know it's very confusing. And the thing is, I actually have a friend who tends to see more of the Hazama-y me, that appears to only her and one other person really in person, but when he's not out it feels like he's 'gone' if that makes sense. I turn back to the default that people usually see, but that feels like a front.
• I feel like my personality is very fragmented, leading on from that. I also tend to space out, A LOT, and that's really bad now that I'm at a-levels.
  
• I didn't tell her this, but it feels like there's something 'living inside' me. I literally feel like I'm drowning in a sea of thoughts. I definitely feel like a puppet, I feel like I'm loosing control and that there's loads of different puppeteers in my mind. I also keep having really odd random imagery in my mind of some sort of hairless dog-like creature coming out of a cave when I get depressed, and I keep getting really disturbing images in my mind as I'm trying to sleep... I'm terrified. Really terrified, I don't feel in control anymore and A-Levels and trying to concentrate whilst constantly spacing out is killing me...

At the end of the appointment, she told us what she thinks is wrong, and she said it might be some kind of dissociation. I'd never heard of that before, so I researched, and a lot of it sounds like me, but... a lot doesn't. I don't really know where I stand.

So, whilst I've still got the energy to do this, I've got some questions related to dissociation:

1. I'd just like some general advice on the above- does it fit with dissociation? Which type does it most fit with? If so, is there any way to temporarily try to deal with it more whilst I'm studying? I'm currently awaiting my report, and we're going to take action with CAMHS from there.

2. What about the alters in DID? I read somewhere that alters become much more developed as the host enters adulthood, is this true? If so, do the mixed thoughts and sludgy mind feeling turn into alters as they become more defined? What is alter development like?

3. If I am developing some kind of DID, is it possible for a section of my fragmented personality or undeveloped alters to have felt that they didn't have an identity as such, and therefore taken on Hazama's identity? Has anybody else's alter ever taken the form of a fictional character?

I think that's about it. Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if I'll have put this in the correct section, if I haven't, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough- if any clarification is needed, please say. I'm not used to talking about how I feel and right now it is very difficult for me to describe it. Again, I'm just looking for a second opinion and some clarification, so any help would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Terumi.