everytime we talk about it or come close to talking about it i get really upset and like shut down mentally...then i get depressed and suicidal. i know i need to talk about it and T is a good person to do it with. i know he is waiting for me to get into it...i knw he doesnt want to push me or overwhelm me. he wants me to do it when im ready. but i just wonder if ill ever be ready. most of me just wants to block it out and pretend it didnt happen. ive lived that way so long now it just seems normal to me. but i can see how it is coming out sideways in my life, like the psychosis and social anxiety and stuff.

maybe its just not time yet