Hi and welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you had and are having thoughts of doing harm to yourself. Have you talked to your therapist about your thoughts? Or a psychiatrist or pdoc that can prescribe meds.

People that are challenged by these kinds of thoughts are recommended to form a safety plan.
Suicide Safety Plans | Channel N

Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps me in balance. If you are not sleeping or having bad side affects, you might want to contact your doctor or psychiatrist and tell them what is happening so you can make adjustments.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.
What is Loving Self-Care | In Your Own Hands

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.