i recently brought up with my psychiatrist about internal worlds. i am not sure if i have one because all i tend to see is darkness. i do not always see it either, just sometimes when i dissociate and am taken to that place.

i was trying to explain to her what i thought might have been an inside world that was just dark, but she told me it sounded more like what i described was a bunch of parts of myself i shut off that were parts i didn't like, emotions, events, etc. but not necessarily an inside world.

sometimes when i am dissociated, like right now, i feel a little more inside myself yet am still somewhat aware of what is around me externally. i just am more out of touch than other times and sometimes find myself in a kind of fuzzy place inside. i guess it's like being half out here and half inside which is a lot of how my dissociation is depending on the type...by type i mean there are a lot of variations where sometimes it's still me or other times i'm kind of blended with another part or feeling things that i know are not 100% coming from me....and a lot of variations.

i badly want an internal world or at least be able to go there because it might feel safer than just this in between state..but i can't really 'make' it happen i guess.

i just don't understand why i am left to feel all this bad stuff. i don't think i've ever 100% been taken away inside...always is some part of me still there to go through things, just with limited memories of traumatic events and very far removed during dissociative episodes.

i just feel like a confusing mess.