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Originally Posted by finding_my_way
i recently brought up with my psychiatrist about internal worlds. i am not sure if i have one because all i tend to see is darkness. i do not always see it either, just sometimes when i dissociate and am taken to that place.
i was trying to explain to her what i thought might have been an inside world that was just dark, but she told me it sounded more like what i described was a bunch of parts of myself i shut off that were parts i didn't like, emotions, events, etc. but not necessarily an inside world.
sometimes when i am dissociated, like right now, i feel a little more inside myself yet am still somewhat aware of what is around me externally. i just am more out of touch than other times and sometimes find myself in a kind of fuzzy place inside. i guess it's like being half out here and half inside which is a lot of how my dissociation is depending on the type...by type i mean there are a lot of variations where sometimes it's still me or other times i'm kind of blended with another part or feeling things that i know are not 100% coming from me....and a lot of variations.
i badly want an internal world or at least be able to go there because it might feel safer than just this in between state..but i can't really 'make' it happen i guess.
i just don't understand why i am left to feel all this bad stuff. i don't think i've ever 100% been taken away inside...always is some part of me still there to go through things, just with limited memories of traumatic events and very far removed during dissociative episodes.
i just feel like a confusing mess.
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not all DID people have "internal worlds" for example I didnt have an internal world. when I was being abused I would dissociate by numbing/spacing out and imagining sinking into the mattress, chair, floor as if becoming part of those things. some people that I know who do not have internal world, their dissociating was floating on the ceiling, similar to but different than out of body experience. some people who dissociate to where their alters take control that dont have internal worlds have the feeling and event of watching like being in the back seat of a vehicle, some people that I know that dont have internal world perceive their dissociating like falling asleep, one moment they are doing one thing and the next they become aware doing something different....
my point is having DID does not require someone to have an internal world. how ever your DID and system of alters is for you is whats right and enabled you to survive. if you dont have an internal world that just means you didnt need one when your alters were created and during the trauma's you went through. theres no way to create a dissociative disordered internal world, it just happens when some one becomes DID during trauma if thats what they need to survive that trauma...
that said there is a mindfulness therapy technique of meditation/relaxation\guided or self guided visualizations where a therapist or anyone can find a quiet place, close their eyes and deep breathing to relax and then imagine something/anything/anywhere that is calming and relaxing to the person using this therapy technique. this is different and does not create an internal world that comes with DID for some people. its like taking a mini vacation or mini break from what ever is making a person stressed out, anxious or what ever else is going on. there are many good books on this therapy technique. just type in the search bar ....mindfulness, meditation, relaxation visualizations, all of those words will get you information on this. your treatment provider can also help you develop your own therapeutic meditation that will work for you.