thank you. on the up side we are living in different countries now (thats why i hadn't seen them in 18 months). i said something about maybe going home for a while in december (around a conference) but i'm not sure if i'll do that. i probably will. i won't catch up with them for long, however, and i'll try to stay with friends.

i don't know what to say...
i guess i'll talk to my t about it tomorrow.

but i don't know. right now i just want to feel connected. feel held. scared of him, sure. but i feel like i need some connection right now. maybe some gentle tears or something.

its funny... usually when i cry in therapy i really really cry. tears and snot. have to blow my nose quite loudly to clear it properly. embarrassing, sure. but i'd do it anyway. with him... i cry. but it is different. water in my eyes. but no sobs. no snotty nose. don't use the tissues just wipe my eyes with my hands. not sure why. the tears seem more healing, though. i'm not so concerned about them passing when they are ready. not so concerned about keeping them around for a while so i don't appear too 'reactive' or 'labile' or whatever. don't care. i just don't want to have to blow my nose.

something happened once when i was in hospital. i had difficulty getting on with one of my skills group leaders. my therapist (who i really liked) had just left. the skills leader was talking to me... basically telling me what my problem was blah de blah... something happened. lost time. i think what happened was that i kinda flew on her. didn't hurt her 'cause i was too disorganised. i just remember her going on and on... just wanting her to stop. feeling distant... then curled up into a tight little ball on the floor wailing with such anguish and horror at what i'd done...

anyway... i think they led / carried me to my room and i curled up there and cried for a while. this nurse (who i didn't know) came in. she asked if i wanted a hug. i couldn't believe that she offered after what i'd done. i gave her a hug and... put my face up next to hers and one of my tears got on her cheek. hard to explain... such an intimate gesture. she didn't seem to mind. it helped me. never forgotten that. don't suppose i ever will. sometimes i just want to be held. so i can grizzle... and be held. i feel so repulsive. but the closeness feels scary sometimes too. like... it shouldn't happen. dirty somehow. %#@&#! church councellor i used to have. why didn't i come with a mute? :-(