Have any of you tried to go that route?

It's when I try to interact more with people, when I try to trust people and open myself up for rejection, when I try to put myself out on a limb to help people, that I get depressed. 8 days in the hospital on suicide watch, that's pretty depressed.

Of course, being alone all the time leads to a sad existence. But so what, if I'm meant to be alone, then sad is just my normal. I should get used to it.

The problem is, that I can't extinguish my hope, let alone my desires, and I keep doing this self-esteem therapy that's all about trying to make me see how "good' and "worthy" I am, that I have decent qualities that I simply don't recognize, how much I have to offer other people, that my screwed up core beliefs are based on what abusive people told me, not reality (whatever that is) nor how I actually feel about myself, etc, etc.

But then I go out into the world trying to believe that crap, and I get more abuse or manipulation or get taken advantage of or am unappreciated, tossed to the side. I can be of use to people, but not much more. Okay, the self-esteem crap would say that I just haven't met the right people so I need to keep looking. Whatever.

I'm thinking of taking a new tack - to try to be more avoidant. Not schizoid, but rather take DBT training to heart and accept my reality. My reality is that what happens for other people just simply isn't an option for me. Period. Deal with it and move on.

Has anyone tried this? Did it work? Is that the key to avoidant satisfaction, committing to a hermit lifestyle? Did it turn around and bite you even harder?

I'm looking for an out that's not an out. It's intolerable where I am, it's intolerable moving forward and bringing people in my life, so maybe it's more tolerable to somehow brainwash myself into not caring, that's my thought process. I've just got to figure out how to do it.