Hi there. I am new here and needed to talk about my current experience looking for guidance and clarification of what just took place. I was diagnosed with BPD about 1.5 years ago after totally falling apart from failing letting go of failed relationships.

I met a girl a year ago, and we were romantic at first then became friends although she wanted more. After a little I started to come around but I wasn’t real romantic, or gave her what she needed. She still talked about mainly kinda jokingly that she wanted a relationship. Mind you, this girl knew about my disorder, my medication, my bad credit, tax issues, and still said she accepts me. Why we totally connected was mainly for that and she had her issues as well, and we got each other. She had two children which the one teenage boy didn’t have a relationship with his father because of childhood abuse so he had his issues as well and has never trusted another man. Well we became close too, and she loved that. Another reason was our sense of humor together and how fun they were just always made for a good time, and walking in her door just made all stresses life out on you, simply vanish instantly.
Well, my problem is what I had with her was great! It was safe! Basically I had my cake and ate it too. She kinda flirted with dating and talked to a guy because we were physical again then stopped because she said I am the only one she wants, and insisted she wanted a relationship. I travel for work for periods of time and had to leave town. Jokingly she made a comment about him as I was on the road that upset me. We talked and she said she was sorry I have stated many times I didn’t want anything so why could I be jealous of it. When I was out of town I was jealous, bitter, standoffish to her. I told her I didn’t want to talk about a relationship anymore, and she said she was moving on (mind you we were totally like best friends and couldn’t understand how she could do that to me). She went on match.com and said she was done. I then did a total 180! She said it was too late. I got drunk, called her and was really emotional which she has never experienced. We went back and forth like this for a week. She would say lets talk when I got back and I would say no I am done. Basically did the whole push and pull thing.

Now once I realized that she was mentally moved on, I THEN realized what I had done. I THEN realized how much I liked her and knew I just took it all for granted. I had major anxiety attacks, and tried to talk to her and she was caring but still insisted she couldn’t do this. Finally I said I am coming home. We planned on talking about it, and when I got back on my birthday they had me a cake, food, and gifts. We had a great two days, and I felt it. I took my guard down, brought her flowers and kissed which I never did. She was kinda cold to it and said she was just processing this 180 I had just done after months of here wanting more. Well she then stated she wanted to take it slow but still went on a date with another guy. I then told her I am finally done because of that which it felt unsafe.

My problem that I am facing now is that I took a great girl for granted that accepted me and didn’t judge me. Its tough knowing that she saw that side of me and I am sure which is why she realized that its best to walk away. Now I am totally in the bitter, regrets faze and its hard to accept it.