I know what it's like to worry like that about internet friends. I belong to an amyloidosis support group and have developed some close friendships. It's a terminal illness, so I've had to learn how to grieve on my own when an online friend dies.

I also have some friends who are suicidal. I worry like heck when I don't hear from them, but there's nothing I can do about it. They already know how much I care, and know I'm here if they need me. What really sucks is when I've been driving myself up the wall with worry, only to find out my friend took off on a spur-of-the-moment vacation and had a wonderful time. I can't be angry with them for enjoying life when they get the chance.

I've had some who didn't turn out so well. With one, it took over a year to find out what happened to him. It's so hard to grieve for an internet friend. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to let a family member know how much he meant to me. Even then, we don't always get that chance.

On the flip side, I have amyloidosis so my internet friends worry about me. It's scary as hell, so sometimes I do become suicidal. I know what's in store with this disease, and it aint pretty. I also get very sick, and my heart could blow out at any time (dilated aortic root).

One friend recently worried about me so much, she called our local police to check on me. I was going through a bad phase, but I was okay - just too sick to talk on the phone or computer. It made it worse for me because I was forced to answer the door and explain the whole situation in its entirety to the police - half naked, vomit in my hair, and sitting on the floor because I was too sick to stand and barely had the breath to speak. It was humiliating.

I do my best to keep in touch with my internet friends, but it's not always possible. If something happens to me, they are too far away to do anything about it. Even if they lived next door, my illness is terminal and they can't do anything about it. If I do choose suicide, that's MY decision - not theirs. They know I don't want to go that route (suicide), and I know it would hurt them.

So when my friends worry about me when I'm gone, I only ask them to say a prayer for me - then let it go. If I've died, I'll try to find a way to let them know (if it's possible). If not, we can catch up with each other on another day.

I hope you hear from your friend soon.