We're so sorry Kali,

I too have kept this a secret for so long. This is about the only place that I can express it which has made me loosen up about it enough to ask for help from a professional, which wasn't easy because I've always been a secret closed book. But by reading everyone's experiences, I don't know now.

As I got it figured, the mind is dissociated at birth, meaning it started in parts. Trauma prevents the mind from integrating which means the un-integrated parts develop into its own personality. I don't know why some are aware (co-conscience) and some are not, that's a whole new level of know that I'm not even qualified to speculate about.

I too have noticed that at times I feel like I'm running on automatic, just watching and not behaving the way that I normally do. I know this disconnected feeling to be co-hosting, that is, another alter is up front controlling the body. I'm so used to it though, it only seems natural to me. We are also mentally talking to each other and others. When the other alter does take over completely, their head voice takes over the thinking becoming our head voice. This is how it is for each alter.

So I guess what I'm saying is that there really isn't a "me" per say. We are the sum of all our parts, so feeling disconnected is part of all this.

The host alter is up front the most, but I don't feel like I have one right now because I'm constantly switching between alters and fragments, thoughts influencing other thoughts, voices constantly changing.

My "bad" alters are under guard, or I call it jail. They are the ones that want to hurt, abuse, and destroy us.

Not everyone's system is the same. I've got alters of alters and fragments of everyone.

I hope this gives you some insight because this is my best guess so far!