I'm having a hard time with what's been going on in therapy. I have the tendancy, as I'm sure most of you do as well, to try and stuff my emotions. But now that "Pandora's Box" has been opened, I can't seem to get those emotions down to a tolerable level.

So, I've been taking some hydrocodone I had left over from a past surgery. I even went so far as having the prescription refilled. Now I find myself drinking (quite a lot, actually) to get more effect from fewer pills - so they'll last longer. They help me feel numb. It isn't like feeling good, but it's far better than the constant ache.

I know this is bad for me. I've thrown them away, only to later sift them out of the trash. I can't bring myself to do anything with them that would make me not be able to get them back or render them un-usable. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone IRL so that they could take the pills and I would have someone to which to be accountable.

I've considered putting them in an envelope with a note and dropping them with the receptionist at my T's office. You know, to ask my T to throw them out. But then I'm afraid she'd call and there'd be a discussion. I'm not sure if I want that either.