Christianity is about loving god before all others and loving others as yourself. Your friend while I don't know about the first one definitely didn't do the second. I agree with Jacky. She was wrong to do such a thing and was contorting the bible. As for the dysphoric mania they sound like mine when they go mixed. My brain fills with the past and swarms with guilt. This turns into a fear of the future, for if in the past I committed such downfalls then the future must surely hold them as well. The mania prowls about my brain mixing with depression into a self hate of sorts. While I know the future can hold disappointment I try to remember there is only behaviors I do, not behaviors that define me. I can have jerkey behavior but I am not a jerk all around, I'm constantly changing and the such a label serves to self defeated me i believe. I'm really sorry to hear you having a hard time. Your a really great person who in a short amount of time reached out to me and helped me more than you know. I can only try and do the same. I'm in the beginning of helping others but please don't give into the negative cycle like jacky said. I'll keep you in my prayers I'm sorry to hear all this and I'm here for you. As for going back to your friend in your thoughts I like to think of it like a drug. I call it euphoric recall. Whenever I think back to the dark days of me abusing drugs I always remember the fun and great feelings of the highs. It's hard for me to remember all the nasty bad stuff that came along with it. I feel your doing this with your friend. She was once a good friend who turned sour, like many of the drugs I used to take it's just sounds all to familiar. I think they were great when in reality the majority of the experience was not. Then when I do start to brush up upon the bad side of it My brain screams these labels at me like I worthless, selfish, ect. Like I said earlier they defeats me if I let them. Sure I've had these behaviors but that's not who I am. I don't think that's who I am and I don't see it in you either. You seem like a nice, really great person. Hope this helps a tad