my heart goes out to you.......will it ever end?.........i doubt it but it will change and may get a little easier.........i have not had this kind of loss so perhaps i am not one to answer you but i'm a parent and i know that we do all we can for our kids and we all make mistakes but his suicide is not your fault or your husbands.......perhaps we will never know the why of it but we must rejoice in what we had......try to find the joy in what he left you.his son and now the baby......God bless