Dear Mouse,
It's really hard to explain or even understand what you just went through until you do, isn't it? Watching someone die can be very sacred.

My BIL died 3.5 years ago at age 41 of cancer...he was my husband's baby brother. All 12 of us were surrounding him, and since we lived close by, had watched/helped/on-call served him and his wife for five years.

I'm glad you were able to visit him, and I'm glad you found some ease in your fears.