I thought that carefree/independent life is the life I will live until the day I died. Until 4 years ago, I met my husband. We live in the same cheap rent bad neighborhood area; that was how we met, dated and dmarried.
Met him when I was 26 and were friends prior to dating. After his long chase, we dated when I was 28 and we got married three months ago, I'm 30 this year. It was me that drag this relationship too long, we should have got married earlier instead of wait till I'm 30

I married him with nothing. We got married very simple, at the City Hall/ Courthouse with 2 witnesses. There was No engagement ring, No wedding reception, NO honeymoon. In defense of my husband, it was me that chose not to have any of that. Giving my carefree and independent lifestyle, it isn't a surprise at all that I want a simple marriage, simple life.

My mother give me alot of hardship over this relationship/marriage with my husband. Mom dislike him because he is not Chinese. She is part of the reason why I chose to get married at the City hall/Courhouse. There was no point of me having a wedding because nobody on my side of the family going to show up. When there nobody on the bride side going to show up, there no point of have a wedding.
I know when I chose to married my husband, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have zero regrets, he is an awesome awesome husband.

It clearly that the relationship between me and my mother is beyond mendable. But I do love my old father, the father that never abuse me.
I do drive back home to vist my father twice a month. But my mom still haven't change, she still belittle me and insulting me. Trust me you know what emotional abusive is when you can see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. That is me, I swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old dad with my mom presence, hearing she insulting me.
If it weren't for my father, I don't think I have the strength to come back home to visit. I love and miss my father very much.

Regarding my marriage; it seem fine, our sex life is fine. I asked husband if he is happy, he said he is happy and he wants to 'stay married'. The 4 years we know each others, from friends to dating to marriage; the whole relationship is full of fidelity on both physically and emotionally level, there is no third party between us.
He is an affectionate, loving, caring and responsible husband. He adores me, he literally kiss my butt cheek everyday everytime we in be together.

He working 2 jobs right now, everyday working 12-14 hours so we can have enough money to buy a house. He also have baby fever, he really want a baby and I promise him that we TTC in 2016 when we buy our house. I be 31 year olds in 2016, so I don't think that is too too late.

I'm not even pregnant yet and he already kiss my stomach. He said when I’m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.
I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, still in stomach not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.

About buy the house, the person that keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment is me. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly.
And we're buying a small house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. Is this wrong thinking?

When I told my husband that I prefer to pay the house half in Cash, so we can have lower mortgage; he doesn't even talk back. He said 'Alright, anything you want', and he went find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"
Well, he did promise that after we married he will listen to what his wife say. But then he dotes on his wife, and spoil his future children rotten, this is not good. He did said when we have kids, he will spoil his children.

He said after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I said is I aim to pay the house half in Cash. And he said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs.
But I said No! I don't want him to that much because I don't think we can have time with each others if he working 3 jobs.

Right now he is working 2 jobs, and both of his jobs are Physical labor jobs. He sure is physically tired when he he get home. There are days when he have to work overnight too. I'm sure he stress out at his jobs, but never once he raise his voice on me.
He is an awesome husband, and I feel like I'm giving him a hard time over this 50% house down-payment.

Financially we doing okay, we are far far from rich. He working 2 jobs and I work 1 job. We both are Financially independent.
We are poor, but not like we dirt poor. We both been working for more than a decade, so we do have okay money save up. None of us are big spender so it does helps alot.

The good thing is both of us have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt. Our whole life so far, we are Debt-free. This does make us happy, especially me.
Here in USA, ALOT of people are in Credit-card debt. I'm so happy that we are Debt-free. And I want to remain that way, so I like to pay things off immediately as much as I can.

I love my husband, I really do. He is on my thoughts before I go to sleep, and on my thoughts first thing when I wake up. I do want to spend another year with him as a couple before we TTC, but he sooo ready for a baby. BUT I'm sooo not ready to TTC this year.
It does seem like I'm looking at this at an 'All or Nothing approach'. I feel that perhaps I'm using the pay the house 'half in Cash" as an excuse to buy time? Or perhaps the childhood experienced of my abusive mother is making me scare of become a mommy?

I also have a problem with giving in to my husband 100% on the emotionally level. It seem like from my childhood experienced, I build up emotional walls inside to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally.
I guess when I was little, I open my heart to my mom; and she abusive, she hurts me. So now I'm scare to be vulnerable. Even to my husband, I try to prevent myself from being vulnerable.
It like the more I love him, the more scare I am of my own feelings. I'm scare that he will see my vulnerable side. I don't know if these make any sense, but it is really how I feel inside.

I know he is an awesome husband, and I know I love him but why am I still scare to love him? What do I still miss? Do I miss the wanderer, carefree/independent life that I once was? The life that I live since I left my mother house, the life I been living prior to met him?
I love my husband. I know he have baby fever, but why don't I want a baby right now? I'm not even sure if emotionally I am ready to TTC in 2016 like how I promise him.
I also feel awkward when my husband being affectionate to me. I feel that I don't deserve to be love at all, my abusive childhood did took a toll on my self-worth.

It is 'Normal' for me to have all these feelings given my childhood experienced? Why am I not 100% happy? Am I just used to the suffering so much that now I can't adapt to happiness? Perhaps I don't want to be tied me down? Perhaps I still want to fly free like a bird in the sky like I once was?

I'm just so confused, I feel that my childhood is the roots to all the problems I'm having internally right now.
I did try talk to counseling once, but it didn't help much in get rid of this childhood of mine. Next step I can try Therapy, but therapy here in USA is very expensive. And being a person who obssesed with saving money, and a frugal person like I am. I don't think I want to spend thousand thousand dollars on Theraphy session.

Anyone here been through something familar? Anyone here experience something similar? I know there are people who have worser life than I have right now. But I am 30 year olds already, and why I still can't snap out of this childhood of mine? I always always have been having internal conflicts inside myself. Am I "Normal" to feel the way I feel? I can't seem to let it go.