I think what you describe is perfectly normal. It sounds like you had a very hard childhood. I'm glad you left your mom when you did. And you sound like you're a very responsible person.

As for putting those emotional walls up with your husband, I know what that's like. I didn't have a very nice childhood either, and I know I struggle with feeling worthy of his love. We've been married 6 years and i still struggle with it a little bit. It does get better though, as long as you keep trying to accept his love, bit by bit.

I know you said you don't want to spend money on a therapist, but at least think about it. It may help you over this hurdle. No one says you have to be in therapy for years and years. Just for a while, until you feel a bit better about yourself.