I emailed my T about my feelings, that they weren't sexual, but sensual and transference. I said I was in love with her hair, and that I feel like she's my beautiful fairy godmother! I said I'm just going to be curious about my feelings and it will be okay. I felt better after sending her that email. I don't think she'll comment about it when she emails back. I also wrote that it was a good session, so she'll comment on that instead.

I want to understand my feelings. Maybe this belongs in the romantic feelings subforum instead? I was distracted in my session, and more nervous because of my awareness of my T's appearance. It was hard because she asked me why I'm anxious. My heart was beating too fast. I'm honest with her but all I could say was "you're wearing black and white again." I don't remember who said what after that. But what I wanted to say was similar to what I wrote in my email, but even more.

I wanted to say: I can't concentrate because I love your hair, and you look so pretty today. My pulse is racing. I'm intimidated by your looks. ( I did tell her that later in the session). I haven't felt this way in a long time, and I think it's because you're not wearing pants, you're dressed up. Usually you look very casual. I don't want to be attracted to you. I don't want to sit here feeling like you're a teenage crush and I'm mesmerized! I know you're the same person you always are. When you had me close my eyes for most of the session, I was fine.

I know you've told me there's a continuum. Is that the word? Maybe my feelings for you are real, and I could be attracted to a woman. You wanted me to accept that could be part of it, and it would be all right. But it's not all right to me. I don't want you to affect me that way.

Yes, I'm fighting my attraction to my T. Hiding behind transference and therapy love. It's a different part of me that I'm afraid of. Could I please have some feedback? Also, holding her hand doesn't trigger these feelings, never has. The touch is safe and warm and reassuring.