I can understand how painful this is for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You know in your heart what you need to do, as hard as that will be. You need and deserve a reliable T. in order to continue to make positive changes. You need safety and security. It sounds like T. has been wonderful, and has played a profound role in your life. You will cherish him and hold him in your heart forever, I'm sure. He cannot be replaced, but know there are a lot of awesome T's out there. I hope you allow yourself to find one.