Ok so since about January-ish I thought there was something wrong with me and I searched up some of the ways I have been feeling and a lot of it pointed to Borderline Personality Disorder. until about a month ago I searched one simple phrase and thought it would bring up a slough of Disorders and diseases and from there I would narrow it down. Instead everything came up DEPRESSION. I didn't believe it so I read up a lot about it and kinda watched how I have been acting for the past month and even though I still don't want to believe it I think I might have depression.

I'm in a rut though, recently I wanted to go to my school psychologist to talk but I can never find the time also the last time I asked him he kinda laughed and asked why which was really demotivating and upsetting since it was in a hallway filled with kids (I said NVM)it made me feel worse. Then I tried telling my best buddy and he just told me about some story how he used to be sad all of time, which I didn't want to hear, and after that told me I can talk to him whenever I feel some type of way and now I feel like he doesn't care or Ignores me when I do, It is at most once a week. so I dont think i'm bothering him, but now I don't like talking to him. I really feel like I have no one else to talk to and since I'm a guy some people will think i'm overreacting or being a baby.

Also it doesn't help that my grades have dropped from A's and B's to C's and D's. Since that happened my dad asks me why and I want to tell him but I don't want to tell him that his son might be more messed up than he already thinks. Plus he will think that i'm coming up with an excuse and he will think i'm trying to guilt trip him into not grounding me, which I could care less if he did or not. I don't want to tell my mom because then my dad will get mad for not telling him. I don't know what to do, I don't really want to tell a teacher either because I think they will think I'm using it as an excuse. I want someone I can talk too. but i don't really know who. I don't want people to pity me I just kinda want to know what is wrong with me and be able to talk about it.