Accept yourself. And find a lady who will accept you. She's out there and probably loves porn more than you. You'll be fine. Find that lady and you'll discover porn will be a major focus, but she'll be number 1. Guaranteed. Good luck.

hope your all well.

Firstly, the reason i put 'triggers' in the thread title is; this is very idiosyncratic/personal - to me anyhow.... and i wouldn't want anyone reading who's not 'grounded' in some sense - as it could feed/create a new worry for you; which is the last thing i want.
--
so please be mindful, that this is me, and my thoughts e.t.c...
leading onto the rest.

basically, i started watching porn when i was 10 years old... i'm currently mid twenties.
it really messed with my head..... - i think, quite largely due to my family dynamic... and especially my dad.
My dad is a malignant narccisist and very misogenistic.

My mum is very much a feminist, and hates the portrayal of woman in the current day and age (last 30 years~)

now me.....; i'm a musician, but i have Body dysmorphic disorder, OCD and GAD...
so the problem for me is: that i believe theres almost 'two sides' to me..
and the don't correlate/tie in together at all.

I love music, i used to play up to 9 hours a day.... it was my life.
but then for 5 years now, i've only picked up my instrument 5~ times.
Now i believe this is because i don't deserve it, due to my 'deviant' ways.

I have quite an unusual/execisve interest in pornography, i supose you could say an 'addict'... but i'm not sure..
Thing is, i love women,,, (i'm a man) and i have such an appreciation for females, everything they are, all the differences - just everything..
don't get me wrong - i love chilling with the lads, but women are a beautiful almost otherworldy thing to me.

- So here's where the problem starts.
I started playing music because - i love it, i'm a musician - through and through..
and i always wanted to get some recoginition - so that i could help others and just also enjoy it and share my enjoyment with other musicians and 'promote' a good message to 'the people'.

But, then pornography enters it..... - i've learnt that i have quite a dominant 'sexual personality' - i am ... i dunno.... - i just like being the 'leader'
this all being hypyothetical as i have never had sex,,, or any relationship..
but one benefit of having all this time to yourself is; you think (also a big negative, but hey; there's usually a bit of both in everything........ maybe...)

but i am the way i am.... and there's a fine line; especially with the pornography that's going around these days.
there's porn that's mutually benefitial for the woman and the man...
and then there's the mysogonistic porn which objectifies women.

Problem for me, is that; i ''''know''' that i'm a dominant male who is kind and passionate about women..
but, some of the stuff i watch - is of the objectifying - one way enjoyment.
And this completley destroys my pyche.
"how can i be a good person, yet enjoy the 'abuse' inflicted on women.
Now...: once again there is a HUGE difference between a mutually consential 'kinky' relationship.... and a Porn shoot where a women is basically being payed to suffer the desires of certain types of men.
And it's obvious when a Lady is not enjoying it....
So, both sometimes being on the extreme(ish) side of things there is a DISTINCT difference.

But when i watch this i really question myself and my morality... and that's where OCD really doesn't help.
But OCD asside - i do wander how i can be such a 'jeckly/hyde' person.

How can i want to better the world, treat a women in the best possible way i can... if i have a taste for the exact opposite...???

i guess it might help explaining that for the last ten ~ years i've been of the mind (due to my BDD/OCD) that due to me being so hideous i had to have a large; you know....
in order to compensate.... - so i've been doing these exercises; in order to make things larger.... (-with me..?)
But i'm always torturing myself with this conundrum.... - am i a good or bad person..?
how can i care this much about people / females speciafically,,,, yet enjoy watching videos of them being abused....

I've talked at length to therapists about this,,, and i've got a 3 month inpatient stay coming up to address my BDD so hopefully i'll find some resolution....

But, my life is/ was/ could've been music. - but as soon as i watch something that 'jarrs' my morals - i feel like i've 'strayed from the path' : like i've adhered to the deviant/dark side (star wars wtf....)

I want to start living, and music is me, it's a large part of what i live for....
my therapist the other day said: "so what's the worst that could happen if you played *instrument"* ?
And i honestly didn't have an answer for her.... - it was just my deep rooted fear of - 'well i don't deserve it, i don't desrve to be the person i'm meant to be, as i've deviated so far from the holistically wholesome person i was'.....
which bringing it back to her question; 'what's the worst that could..?' doesn't relaly tie in: there is no worst that could happen if i 'did' play my instrument....(Muscially....... ahem... lol)

But i'm addicted,,,,, i 'Have' to see it, and all of it. I used to sometimes spend 12+hours creating a 'collection' of porn,,,, just to suddenly hate myself for doing so and delete the entire collection.... only to then spend the next 12+ hours collecting the same; collection of videos..... - just to delete it... e.t.c.

I know what i need to do; in my life. I need to; play music, study self help books, get out there and meet people - just enjoy life.
but as soon as i watch / descend into my (viewed as) : depravity ... i feel like i can no longer be that person... and then; i'm left with nothing. So i drink mysefl to sleep, play computer games so i can forget i'm alive e.t.c....

I wish i could just move on,,, but it's more destructive (personally) than any addiction i've had in the past.. it completley derails me.

i know there's others in the same situation, i've read there posts... but it's usually god that save them... and, well,,, i'm not religious...
How should i approach this?
I mean tonight i was drinking (drowing sorrows) and it was either; Porn, or complain/seek help about my porn consumpiton.

Ugh,,,, kindo've ran out of steam..... - i hope i got the message across and that no-ones found anything offensive.

i'm not sure how coherent this has all been,, but i'd really love some insight from someone who's been through this, or knows more than me on it.

Kind regards
() - beyond emabarassed)
(((((Circlees)))))[/QUOTE]