Are you sure you aren't having an episode? Maybe less than others you've had but still some depression? You really sound depressed in what you wrote. You also sound like you are under a lot of stress and that it is overwhelming. You are doing good self-care but sometimes it happens anyway. It also sounds like you are being hard on yourself. I know it is hard not to be when it is so hard to do what you want to do in life and have it be easy like it should be but that also goes with depression.

I don't know but maybe it's something to think about?