i don't want to hurt my dad. i've always tried to help and protect him. i don't want to hurt him. if i feel angry then it will make things worse. make things worse for him. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position.

talked to t about this a bit today. so much has been happening in my life over the last couple weeks and i haven't seen him for a while.

see him next friday. then i have a week of conference. then he is taking a week off.

i feel disconnected again. we really are terrible (between the two of us) with coordinating our not being able to get to sessions. he takes one then i take one. or vice versa. that happens a lot. i feel so disconnected. so far away. i wanted to feel close to him today :-( maybe i didn't let him get close :-( i did want to try and talk to him a bit about my father and stepmother. i felt the pain a bit. its hard though. my dad chose her over me. she puts him in the position of having to choose over and over and over. he chooses her most of the time. if i want to have anything of my dad at all then i have to try and change the position that he is stuck in. 'its okay dad, i understand'. i have to do that if i want anything of him at all. because he won't, you see. he won't. he has made his choice. i think it pains him a little at times. i do what i can so he doesn't hurt. i feel sorry for him mostly.

but i've lost him anyway. so i might as well feel mad. why don't i feel mad? habit i guess. whatever. i don't care. i don't care. i don't care anymore. don't need him anyway. whatever.