I think I might be in crisis mode. It started Sunday, when I had a random anxiety attack thinking about how much of my life I spend just getting through the day instead of working towards goals. Ever since Monday morning, I've been so depressed that I've struggled to get out of bed, and just went back to bed as soon as I get home from work. I've been crying every few hours (told everyone at work I had a bad cold because my face has been so puffy).

I'm turning 24 in a few months, and I feel like my life is over. When I was young I used to have so many dreams and goals, I wanted to be a dancer, I was going to my a wife and Mom, get a huge fancy degree and be a writer. Now that's all slipped away. I have no reason to look forward to the future, and the more time I spend just getting by, the older I get and the more of life I miss.

This is also triggering eating disorder thoughts because you always hear people talk about how metabolism slows down and when you grow up, you can't eat like you did in your teens. I've suffered from various facets of eating disorders over the past two years or so, with my weight fluctuating everywhere from severely underweight to slightly overweight. I've dealt with everything from severe restriction and fasting to sugar addiction. I'm scared that as I get older, my weight will get harder to control and I'm destined to be overweight for the rest of my life.

I've been having suicidal thoughts, so I've called crisis lines several times and every time they end up basically telling me I need to be in therapy. And I would if I could, but I've looked into it and I simply can't afford even the co-payment for anything more intensive than what I have now (one appointment every three months to check up on medications).

Sorry that this is so long, but I just don't know where to turn and need advice.