Well I have told her now that I cant be even friends. The last few days have been texting and our jovial selves then I want to share my feelings about us and messing up. She was very understanding but made no plans to see me, although I am leaving town next week.

Yesterday she said that there is to much feelings involved and now is not a good time to think about but know "we love you". That made me feel great for a little while then feelings got in the way again. I have kept showing this side of me with push and pull, that I cant tell she is getting drained by it (despite her being understanding), and I told her that I cant offer any value of stability to her life right now and I will only get in the way of her finding someone and being happy and I dont want to be around when it happnens. I have to move on to find my happiness and having her in my life with keep me from that.

One thing I hate what I said, is that if she ever had a change of heart then I would take her back anytime (sounds pathetic). I effing HATE BPD! I know if I had a level head and control over my emotions I wouldnt have screwed it up as bad and pushed her further and further each time, and not she has seen this side of me. I am 39, no kids, and never been married. Knowing what she knows and have seen I love even more for being so understanding and awesome to me. Being who I am I feel like I will never find someone like her which is what I need. I am slowing giving up hope which has grown to almost nothing over the years and only has gotten worse.