This is for anyone who's followed my posts. My T was talking to me today about how much I bully myself. Constantly picking on myself, will not just leave myself alone. Yeah, I've been doing that my whole life. Right at the end of the session it came up for me to talk about something. For those of you who know, I have been in some pretty intense pain for about the last two months. My gosh, it seems like an eternity. My T was talking about how I punish myself, and it was the perfect time to bring it up. I told her I am still punishing myself for my relationship with her. I've written lots of posts here about it, including losing the connection I once had with my T. I've been fighting to get it back. I still value her in my life, yes, but the connection feels lost. So I reminded her of the story of how I nearly let an uncomfortable disclosure out, and caught myself and stopped. I said "I can't talk about that." She said "why not?" And I said "because I'm afraid if I share this with you things will change." I said that more than once, while I tried to come up with something else to tell her rather than the original disclosure. She assured me "Nothing will change HERE." So, I trusted her, I believed her, and I told her. She handled it well and was very understanding, and I thought the session went well. But after that, things DID change. She put up a larger boundary, one that hurt me immensely. (this was not an inappropriate disclosure....I was informing her that I needed consistency in my therapy, and she was canceling all the time, my therapy schedule was always up in the air. I also let her know that I found her talk of her daughter triggering to me, as the topic of her daughter came up in EVERY session. I don't mind talk here and there, but this was every session.) Things changed after that. A drastic change for me that left me feeling unsafe and un cared about. So I told her today. I reminded her that I was coaxed into telling her this disclosure, but that I only did so after she assured me nothing would change if I did. So, ultimately, she lied. Right? I told her today that this is why I find it hard to talk, how can I trust her after that? I can't disclose anything like that again. And who knows, maybe telling her this today will change yet something else. In which case, I will leave. It will break my heart to do so, I know I need therapy, I need her. If I leave, I'm done with therapy, because all it has done is eff'ed me up since I started. I should be talking about my issues, not my relationship with my therapist. But seems I'm more worried about that than anything else.

I think this was trickery, or an outright LIE. She said "Nothing will change here" if I disclosed, so I did. Still reluctantly, but I did.

Anyway, this was right at the end of my session so there was no time to talk about anything else, so a few minutes before the session was to end, I stood up and told her I was leaving now. I'm not usually like that either.

She did thank me for sharing that with her, and gave me a short hug before I left. I want to say I gave her something to think about, but I doubt it. No one wants to hear when someone else thinks their wrong. Especially when they're accused of lying. I don't know where this will lead, but I'm very happy I got the nerve to say something, and she accepted it well.