This is when I hate bipolar, when I have every reason to think I know what is about to happen to me and it decided to pull out every last stop and do the opposite. I was so sleepy and slightly down today and I thought that was surely stop one on the rollercoaster trip down the big hill. Turns out I found another hill to climb at the bottom of the last one. 2:15 AM and I'm not even relaxed enough to bother with valium because it won't work. The last few nights I've had my 2nd dose by now.

So more like still mixed, threw in a little rapid cycling and now I'm back to not sleeping. I'm glad I didn't increase my AD on my own....

I'm staying next door at my mom's dogsitting right now. At 1 AM I had to go check on my cat because I was worrying about her way too much. She pulled her hair out on her belly and chewed a raw spot. She needs steroids but her kidneys are too bad to risk them unless it gets really bad. She also has a urinary infection and against my better judgment I let them tap her bladder for a sample. She screamed in pain the whole time and teh vet said something about arthritis. That was Monday. I think they really made her hips hurt; she's been in pain since and doesn't even want me to hold her and she really doesn't want me to look at her belly. She lays still and lets me clean it like that feels good but being held hurts her and she hadn't purred in a couple of days. She finally did tonight after I sat on the floor by her bed for a long time. But my brain is going to bad, bad places that I'm not ready to go to. I really know that I have some pain treatment options before the end but the vet made it clear this wound could be the end. (The cat will be 20 in 2 months and has allegedly been dying of kidney failure for years; last June I was told only a few months and here she is, healthier than a year ago except for this sore. I just want to be at my house with her. I hate the idea that this could be the thing that means euthenasia, especially if I'm right and it is her hip joints causing the severe pain. I started glucosamine and I'll call the vet tomorrow and maybe get a pain med for her. She tends to not do well with oral meds, they upset her stomach badly, but she is in too much pain to ignore it. I'll be home a couple of days and then back here dogsitting for several more. I spend the days at my house but I worry it's not enough even though she sleeps 23/24 hours minimum). Anyway, the worrying has me ramped right back up into who needs sleep land.

Never ending mess......I also got a very upset stomach tonight. That's the 2nd time since I went on the higher dose Seroquel. I've felt fine between. It doesn't make sense. Maybe stress. Who knows?

Sorry, this is very manic and rambling and I can't fix it. I'm hoping it will help me sleep to just say what I'm afraid of.