Many times I can see it's the transference. Sometimes I can't tell at all. That's the problem. She said the transference was keeping me from seeing her care/reassurance. She's also told me that the transference means therapy is working. I just told her that I want to be ok with it. I just want to be able to accept the feelings but it is so hard. I didn't want it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. It has been the most painful thing I have gone through. I had to take off the afternoon from work because I couldn't contain my emotions.

We've been using the transference. I'll react to her a certain way, we trace it to my childhood and talk about a more healthy way to react. So, it has been helpful and I've learned so freaking much from it. I'm at the point where it's painful that she means so much to me. I fought letting her in for months telling her I didn't want to feel close to her. Just last week she asked how is blocking the trust and care helping. I didn't even realize I was blocking it but I started crying one day thinking that maybe subconsciously I am because to fully accept it is to risk getting hurt.

My whole therapy has been about me not wanting to get hurt, her asking me to trust her and take a risk and then me doing so. So, spacing sessions right now is making it so difficult. I feel rejected and that it's the beginning of the end. And, the timing sucks due to May being an emotional month for me.