hey. you know... it occurred to me today (probably because of things that people have been posting) that some people have the kind of relationship that i have with my stepmother with their mother. my mother was... %#@&#! up in her own special way... but i guess she never rejected me the way my stepmother did. what is harder for me... is that my dad rejected me too. that one is really hard. that dad chose my stepmother over me. that he does (at least sometimes partially) see that she his rejecting of me... and he does nothing.

i guess i know that he isn't going to do anything. his response to those kinds of dilemma situations is to placate my stepmother. my response to the situation is to placate him. 'cause otherwise i'll lose him. really be faced / confronted with his choosing her over me. i try and smooth those situations over so he doesn't have to choose. not sure why. not sure. habit maybe.

i'm sorry your mother isn't more accepting / supportive of you.

> I've not been able to "feel" anything about it all as I fear what is the right thing to feel??..... it's been this way my whole life.... I'm not ever the chosen one.....

yeah. i don't know how one is supposed to feel about it either. numb? i don't know beyond that.

> Alexandra, I know that feeling ...... in the pit of the stomach..... the hurting heart..... the feelings swirl so much so that it all goes numb.....

yeah.

> it's just so hard to care-- but it's even harder to let it go.......

i said something to my t about how i did feel a little pissed / angry this time. and how i did express a little of that. they could tell i was pissed etc. not a great deal of that but a little. it was just that it was hard... because i feel upset and i'm not sure what to say. not sure how best to express it without making things worse.

maybe the idea is that some distance from the situation will help. will help me not care so much so that i can say things sometimes.

maybe... i need to figure out how to say something to the effect that it would be nice for me to catch up with my father but i'd like to have some time alone with him so that we can catch up.

i'm not terribly sure... but i think that sometimes dad does do things with the boys (go to the pub or whatever) and my stepmother does things with the girls (go to the ballet or whatever). i think it is important that it is known that if anything happens between them then i'm batting for my father. i'm one of those 'mututal friends' who is appropriately regarded as a 'mutual friend' for so long as they are together. if they were to split up or whatever then i wouldn't have anything to do with her, however.

and then... it is up to dad whether he chooses to see me on those terms or not.

the hardest thing about asking...

is the liklihood that he will say 'no' and / or that he (or stepmother) will start up about me rejecting her or whatever...

i would like the opportunity to say to him that for all her talk about me rejecting her... i was about 10 or 11 when they got together and SHE WAS THE ADULT. i'm sure it won't take that much thought for him to see that she has always been cold to me (and that i was always warm to his girlfriends).

its just setting myself up for rejection, i guess.

though... dad being the weak person that he is... he might actually be grateful if he gets to say to my stepmother that he (and only he) has been invited to do something with me and that i explicitly said that she wasn't invited. that way he can blame me, you see. and when he saw me he might even be grateful for my having done that.

why is he so weak?

ever since i can remember i just wanted to protect him.

i'm terrified that my stepmother and my mother... are the way they are largely because...

they felt the same.

ugh.