ck2d I really appreciate your insights about avoidant personality. It makes sense what you say.
I feel bad for you when you say
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There's nothing crueler than to deny someone's love. The last time I was proposed to - swear to God - I laughed.
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I encounter rejection all the time in my job so I sit back and analyze why I failed to get a sale. It is usually because I did not build enough trust before proposing the customer agree to my proposal. The other person may have just not established that trust with you. Okay you had your feelings of being unlovable so you laughed. If they really knew you well, then they would know you are not laughing at them. It was your coping mechanism to keep you from falling into social vulnerability.
If they did not bother to develop the relationship, marrying them might have been a short term relationship because that depth was not there.
Please even if you are just kidding, don't think you are not worthy and contributing to this community. I think you really provoked some thought in me and I am glad I met you if only virtually.