I struggle with holding on to T from session to session. I told him that when I feel disconnected from him I feel disconnected from me.

I don't understand the intensity of the relationship as it exists. I expect it to falter, to be disappointed, rejected or, more likely, ignored. I have lived as though I am alone, and have made my peace with that concept. So, to be cared for, feels like I am smothering.

I know I was so very alone as a child, and that close relationships terrify me, because on some level I am afraid of re-experiencing that loneliness.

I have been entertaining the idea of relying on T and getting what I need from the relationship. What this means for me is that I have to open my heart, and that is so very frightening. Little by little I have begun to reveal my innermost feelings. And that is when I become scared of losing T. (Remember, he holds my pieces at those moments.)

Usually by mid-week I become disconnected; put myself through a mind trip about how I'm just another client; and decide to buck up and get a hold of myself and get a grip.

This morning, walking the dog, thinking about T, and worrying, I had a revelation. It's Friday and I'm still thinking about him in the current context. I haven't lost him; So I am not disconnected now. I am so relieved. Maybe my heart just opened a tiny bit more.

I can't wait to see him on Monday and tell him the good news.