I can relate to this SO MUCH, when I was at my lowest weight my eating habits were fasting for a long period of time, and then going on a huge binge because I was just so freaking hungry. Then in recovery, after a period of time where I was never hungry at all, I went through months where I just couldn't stop eating junk food.

Not very many people know it, but when I attempted suicide, I'd been having suicidal thoughts for a long time before I actually acted on it. I was waiting until I felt skinny enough to go. In a weird way, I think my eating disorder was one of the main things that kept me alive for those months when it was at it's worst.

Sorry because I realize that this isn't very helpful, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this. I think that's one of the things that sucks about mental illnesses is that you always have that sense that your feelings are shameful and weird when actually there are lots of people going through the exact same feelings.