I know that when I see my family I suffer from depression a day or two after I get back. I thought this time I was all prepared to deal with it. I had thought of a variety of activities to give me comfort as I work through the sadness. Unfortunately fate is not co-operating with me. Everything I try doesn't work out. It started first thing this morning when I got ready for the day. I found that my make-up had melted in the car on the way home and I couldn't find my hairbrush. Then I decided to get on here to be with all of you and the computer wouldn't load the site. Then I thought, ok, I will clean the cat litter box because the house was smelling funky. I was out of litter. So I decide to go to the store. I look for my sandles but can only find one of them. I get my old icky sandles on, go to the store and buy tons of cleaning stuff so that I can clean my anxiety out. I even splurged and got myself a pair of rubber gloves. I get home, start scrubbing the basement floor to get the cat smell out but when I go outside to turn on the facett so I can rinse the floor down (it is cement and we have a sump pump so I can just use the garden hose) I rip my new gloves on the rose bush. My hubby and I go to the garage to pick up my van. They had told us that they couldn't find anything wrong with it when we called from my parents house. When we pick it up she has a list of things that need to be done to the van. Why the hell did we drop it off? I had my appointment with my Pdoc. He is half an hour late, when I tell him about my moodswings of late he asks if I want to try a mood stablizer. No. I run by work to pick up my paycheck and they are not done. I go to group and don't have any money to kick into the kitty and the leader talks about the report President Bush's mental health research committee put out and it reminded me of how I am all out of insurance and can't get the help I need which made me miss my T and feel even more miserable. So I go to the grocery store to get dinner and a new pair of gloves and I have to wait 30 minutes in line at the checkout counter freezing my butt off because I am in a tank top and shorts and their airconditioner was up way to high. Sigh.

OK so this was one long ***** session but man all I want to do is make myself feel better and everything I do just isn't cutting it which of course makes me want to cut and suicidal thoughts have been running through my head every so often which doesn't cheer me up in the least. So what do I do?
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson