I've been getting a lot better lately but I mentioned to T this week that it's a bit annoying that I have these urges of "wanting to be depressed" (e.g. to cry, be sad, anxious etc.). The urges seem to come out of nowhere, and it's only on the basis that things have been exceptionally well that I can talk myself out of "going there".

Today, I am having those urges pretty bad but am still pushing through. As I get "better" I have less desire to reach out for help (email t, or call a friend) because I know i'm not at my lowest of lows. T says that our brains form certain path ways after traumatic experiences and the way we cope and so this is basically me "reprogramming my brain" (nothing I was forced to do or told to do).

It's a sign of progress but it's just very difficult. There are times where I just want to lay down and sleep, curl up and cry but I know that all is well in the world and I have no reason to do that. I'm not invalidating my feelings as much as analyzing and rationalizing the basis of them (as much as one can).

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stay above water when your body physically wants to pull you down? I know it's a matter of will vs. habit but it's kind of hard when either side only relents for a short moment before returning. Any suggestions on how to manage would be so appreciated.