Hi,
I'm 21 years old and I am a college student. This year I have been struggling with incredibly difficult emotional issues, and some of my symptoms have lead me to bipolar forums, so i'm looking for some advice. Sorry for the long post in advance.

I have always suffered from what has seemed like depression, since Ive been about 14. These feelings of emptiness and the inability to get out of bed and the thoughts of dying have only gotten far more intense over the years but I have learned to cope and talk myself down when it gets a little too dark. I never went to see anyone about the depression, since my parents never really offered when I was a child, and in college Ive made appointments, but often receive really half-hearted help, or I get put on three week long waitlists which I don't have time for.

As of this year, I was really struggling with some weird symptoms. About four weeks ago I woke up in a really low depressive episode, which usually results in me being completely unable to motivate myself to even get out of bed. I over-sleep, and can't feel much, and thats precisely how I've spent all four of those weeks. What really startled me about this episode was that for the two weeks prior I was in an incredible mood. I felt incredibly light, energetic, and spent my time coming up with all these projects and ideas I wanted to do (since im in an art college) though never following through with any. I was functioning on little to no sleep (which is really unlike me) and doing fine. I started dating again, meeting people on Tinder. I felt really incredible. I even told my friends one night that I felt like I was in a really good place, that my life was finally turning around. This felt really great and normal at the time, but the quick shift felt jarring and very scary. As my depressive episode went on, coupled with anxiety and panic attacks that caused me to get so stressed I would vomit, it was really affecting my life so I started looking up symptoms and began to do some research on bipolar disorder. I never considered the fact that I may have been struggling with hypomanic episodes before, but much of my past behavior fits the bill, particularly last spring.

Last year I spent about four months recklessly partying my way through school. I was drinking and smoking about 4 times a week, often blacking out. I was attending raves every other weekend, and while doing my best research and trying to be as safe as possible I was taking MDMA (or molly) here and there and did cocaine a couple times. I would often hook up with strangers at parties, feeling particularly sexually liberated. I borrowed over 300 dollars from my friend over the course of the semester, which I have paid back and she was quite willing to lend me. But that was also very unlike my usual behavior and later made me feel quite guilty. Maybe this was just a phase, but a lot of my friends were concerned for me, I was much more reckless than I had ever been before and they noticed.

I hate self diagnosis so I've finally gotten referred to a psychologist near me and I start going soon. Its just been lying really heavy on my mind and I just can't bring myself to talk to my friends or family about these feelings.

I understand that you all are not doctors and can't diagnose or anything. I just was looking for some support and opinions since I don't feel I can talk about this with many people I know.