What a crazy day I just had in my head. Really. Woke up early to a migraine. Certainly due to stress. Dealt with it until around noon. Went to get taxes done and owed money. Thankfully I didn't need the $300 I had saved for therapy. Insurance is now paying for all of my therapy.

My dad called to say that he was arriving earlier than I thought so I had to clean as much as I could, as fast as I could. He still commented how dusty, cluttered, and messy my home is and how his wife would "have a heart attack if she were here." If only... No. Not really. [emoji53]

So I take before and after pics of the guest bedroom to show my sister and therapist. I send them both messages and only my sister responds. Every time she messages me and I hear my phone I think, "Please be T. Please be T." An hour later I am regretting sending him the text and say to myself, "ATA, T is your therapist not your friend." It makes me sad but helps me deal with no reply from him. A few minutes later I get a message from T that says, "Bravo!" Made me so happy. The doorbell rings and it's my dad.

It is kinda effed up that I want to be with both my dad and my T. I see dad 3 times a year if I am lucky which is usually 3 times more than my sisters get to see him. I of course feel guilty about it and don't know why it is like this. My dad ignored the s*** outta me when I was young. I spent a lot of time just sitting in the same room with him, hoping he'd notice me. This explains why I want to just sit in the same room with my therapist even if he is busy working on something.

So it's like I want my therapist to be my dad from childhood and do it right this time while I am mostly happy with my dad being who he is now to me.

Anyway, it's good to be with my dad. He is fixing my computer, going to try to fix my washing machine, bought me dinner, and he is taking some of my ex husband's clothes off my hands. That's what happens when you leave your s*** behind. The rest is going to Goodwill soon.

Thanks for letting me ramble and decompress here.